When I talk about the Mutant Zoo, I'm not talking metaphorically about the long-haired hippies up on the third floor of our house. I'm literally talking about the eclectic collection of animals that we have assembled over the years through hook and by crook.
We had to do a "show and tell" for the new eight grade class over at Saint Marks and I was creating an inventory list of possibilities for me to bring to school next week. As I scratched things down on a list that filled two sheets of paper, I realized (AGAIN) how far out of the ordinary we were.
While most normal families in America had a dog or a cat or gold fish for a pet, we had enough animals to rival the Santa Barbara Zoo, only most of their animals were in cages and visitors there were safe. The first animal on the very top of my list was an alligator...an alligator that liked to eat little kids. I could show off the sharp-toothed prehistoric creature and tell about the time I had to wrestle it in the bathtub
Alligator Wrestling, but felt that there was a possibility of things going terribly wrong. I thought that I could get Andrea's attention but figured that if four eighth-graders got mauled to death that would be the wrong kind of attention.
In the ivy next to the pond in a Styrofoam saucer was the giant bullfrog named, "Grandpa" the size of a small dog that could swallow baby chickens or rats whole as if they were crickets. That might work...maybe I could feed one of our baby chickens to the antediluvian creature in front of the class- surely that would be a hit. Wouldn't it?
Next was the soft-shelled snapping turtle that loved to latch on to fingers like Pinky liked to gulp down Vienna hot dogs - neither was a good visual. (Pinky Pictured to the right)
Next to the chicken coop with the 23 stinky hens and the crazy attack Veloci-Rooster that thought it ruled the world as if it were Godzilla himself
Hell has no Fury. That wouldn't work because it had already had a reputation of attacking one of the nuns after which a priest had come over and tried to preform an exorcism.
Score: Rooster 2 vs. Clergy 0
We had 42 guinea pigs; rabbits too numerous to count, and a bunch of hole-digging tortoises that had been dropped off by some zoo somewhere. I don't know exactly where they came from - that's the story I was told, but to tell you the truth - I wouldn't be surprised if they were stolen. "Sheeze- hippies and their kindred spirits - I tell ya?
Moving indoors we had the notorious spider monkey that should have been mandated to wear pants because it sat on the fireplace mantle proudly dangling his boy parts in front of God - everyone else.
1)The monkey was just plain GROSS! 2)It was very embarrassing for a boy my age to be showing off genitalia like that...(even though I'm sure the girls may have been thrilled)... and 3)I'm pretty positive that the nuns would have had a heart attack.
Next was Lazarus, the burned cat, that had been resurrected from the dead after the Fraternity fire
Miracle, After the Fire . One of my older brothers, Chewbacca, allowed the crusty feline to walk on the counter tops claiming that the nasty looking thing had the right to because it was a miracle. The scaly feline roamed freely and ate from open tubs of margarine and any other food that had been left out, leaving a trail of burnt skin flakes in its path. GROSS! GROSS! I wanted to take the thing under the pretenses of the "show and tell" and lose it somewhere along the way, but Chewbacca would probably kill me.
(picture of mom combing one of by older brother's hair)
I'm not even close to being finished yet! Even worst than the grodie cat - was Johnny, the one-eyed pigeon that lived on top of the refrigerator. The bird was like frigate carrier for parasites that took refuge under its feathers that you could see scuttle back and forth from time to time. It pooped...indiscriminately and tried to attack your head.
In the dining room we had a television set that had been gutted and turned into a lizard terrarium that my tree-hugging brothers were very proud of that contained chuckwallas
Chuckwalla Escape, desert geckos and leopard lizards that we had brought home from Salton Sea.
In the entry we had the foul mouthed Mynah-bird that my mom said swore like a drunken sailor. I actually thought about that one but knew I would have been kicked out of catholic school (I had already been decommissioned as an altar boy for throwing up on Father Scott - still shaking my head -
Not a Good Thing.
On the third floor we had Iguana Del Diablo
Day of the Iguana, three rattlesnakes, two king snakes, a couple garter-snakes and mice that we bred for feeding all of the snakes and lizards.
Never mind the million mosquitoes and the 10 billion fleas that was also a part of our collection, I bet Cheryl Arnold, the beauty queen, who lived directly behind us didn't have an menagerie like ours.
Like normal people, the Blasers next door to us, just had a dog - ONE DOG - that's it; a beautiful collie named Ginger that looked just like lassie. Ginger got washed and had a regular regime of hair-brushing and was fully trained to poop outdoors.
Heck the Lennons on the corner -didn't even have one pet.. not a dog... not even a gold fish!
At least we had a dog... a beagle, affectionately known as "Wonder Dog."
Maybe we were more normal than the Lennons........?
Naw.... I thought, maybe I'd just bring an older brother to school and talk about what it was like to have one of these things called hippies sharing space in your house.
"What is normal?" I figured I could talk about the care.. the feeding (minus the part about the marijuana plants) and share about the grooming habits (or the lack thereof) of these strange creatures...that had evolved over the last couple years
Evolution of the Dahlins.
(picture of my older brothers to the right)
"Hey, Chewbacca, do you want to go with me to school on Monday?"
Chewbacca sensed my sarcasm, bellowed and chased me down the hall!
It was the invisible Ooze - I tell you. It had gotten a hold of both of us... maybe this was the new normal...but look at all the fun I got to have that regular people missed out on!
