The ZOO Part 1: The Wolf Pack

I'm just glad this story didn't end up in the gorilla cage because it would have ended quite differently.

I will tell you right up front that I had to add a little spicy license to this epic story. Although each Dahlin will tell it a little differently, this is the way I choose to tell it. I checked in with my dog, Poochie, and based on her recollection of the story - she assures me that I did a fairly good job at capturing the essence. I wouldn't totally trust my memory, but since my beloved beagle has a much better memory than me, you can bet that this is accurate - within a fibbing margin of about + or - 10%.

Again, the story beings with our mom having to "up" her self-esteem stock value, especially when compared to the picture of perfection just across the Street.

The Lennon Girls

 

The Dahlin Boys

From this picture, maybe you can get an idea. We were rambunctious, mischievous, energetic, liked to climb and as proud Swedes (Vikings) wanted to conquer the world.  Could you just imagine taking the10, 11 or 12 of us to the Zoo. A neighbor called us The Wolf Pack.

THIS OUTING WAS DOOMED FOR FAILURE from the start. (Mom didn't know that though).

  

This picture was taken about the time the incident that ended up on the front page of the newspaper. BTW: I am pictured here with my brother Bjorn (name changed to protect the guilty) my dad, and third born Knut (also an alias).



Part 1

The Wolf Pack was not pleased about having to get up early on a Saturday or going to the zoo, but being squeezed into the decrepit old Dodge on top of that only made things ten-times worse. With Four-Eyes and Chewy, there were twelve of us that needed to be packed into the rusted overstuffed station wagon like too many sardines in a small can.  When mom turned the key in the ignition it groaned and moaned and sputtered a couple times. 


As was customary, Gustav got out, crawled under the car and hit the starter motor with a large wrench he found in the “flower-bed.”

Whack! Whack! Went his clunking under the car. “Try it again” he yelled from underneath. 
Whir, Sputter, Grind, Ca-put went the beast as a black cloud of smoke shot from the tail pipe as though it was waving the white flag of surrender.  Three of the older boys angrily join Gustav in pushing the car backwards down the driveway as mom popped the clutch. The tires screeched as the clunker resentfully sputtered to life, nearly catapulting us across the street into our neighbor’s driveway - barely stopping before hitting the bumper of their 63 Cadillac.
  
Half in and half out of the street mom, pumped the gas pedal in an effort to keep it alive as the four older boys climbed back in with the urgency of a Chinese fire-drill. Faces pushed up against windows, fogged by the warm bodies of stinking teenagers, my mom clutched the steering wheel with a death grip and let out a desperate sigh.  I was excited. We were going to the zoo! With all the Dahlin hoopla, noise, and various body parts spilling out of open windows, away we rolled. 

 

We were off to the zoo!

Poor mom forced a smile just in case any of the neighbor ladies happened to be watching.  I saw a faint trace of hope on her face because of the story she would tell the ladies tomorrow after church.  I alone had heard her rehearse the speech and knew it would take a miracle for anything remotely resembling "normal" to happen.


 Like the cigarette commercial "You could take the Dahlins out of Venice but you couldn't take the Venice out of the Dahlins.  


Rooting for mom, I crossed my fingers. I saw her look across the street to shrine of Mary in the Lennon’s front window.  Slowly she drove, hoping that Sis Lennon with her NORMAL FAMILY would see us heading out to do what “normal” families do.

During her unhurried left turn (still clearly within the view of the Blessed Virgin Mary and Mrs. Lennon), Dooh-Dooh Pants “popped the cork” and stunk up the entire car. It smelled like baby diarrhea and I started gagging.  “I’d rather bear the shame than the pain.” He said laughing, until Liver-Lips whacked him - a good one.

Mad Dog knew what was about to happen. He grabbed my head and forced my lips into the small gap of the partially opened window.  He held it there while I blew this morning’s clumpy Malt-O-Meal and part of last night’s fish sticks down the entire side of the car like a snow blower.  Everyone began freaking out, hitting each other, yelling and screaming and doing everything they could not to get hit by the warm vomit confetti. Everyone beat up on poor Dooh-Dooh Pants blaming him as mom stepped on the gas pedal, burning rubber, and now praying instead, that none of the neighbors would see us escaping from Venice.  


Next time, (part 2) Venice invades the LA ZOO - True Story!   

BEST CATHOLICS in the WORLD. The Monkeys are Just Around the Corner.

Here we are at a regular family get together on a typical Friday night sing-a-long.

Electrocuting a NUN - NOT GOOD!

I

Before I tell you what gave Sister Godzilla the twitch in her left eye, I thought you might like to see the shirt I was wearing in this picture. To verify my earlier claims - it was a hand-me-down, it was SEE-THROUGH and it did only have two buttons (oh, I'm the one in the far right - if you couldn't tell).

Cute crew right?  Well, looks could be deceiving. Take a look at the sinister glean in the eye of the third boy from the left (to protect his identity I'll just call him Gustav). Right as that picture was snapped a diabolical plan was hatched. Only... it would be tested out on me and my little sister first (who is second from the left - front).

 "Oh yeah... let's experiment with electricity! Let's play with electricity in the most dangerous setting possible in the history of the world."  (something like that probably went through my older brother's head when he threw the switch that summer for the first time).

ONLY Karin and me and my two poor innocent neighbors happened to be in the water (did I just say water?), we were in the water in the pool (did I mention the pool that had metal sides?) We were in the dough-boy pool in the water that  now had electricity coursing through the metal sides.

There is a picture of the pool in its Glory Days (when we still used chlorine - you know before we started breeding mosquitoes in it and before the older boys added the alligator).

Anyway, they threw the switch and as soon as we touched the sides - all four of us got the shock of our lives and somehow lived to tell about it. 

Now that they knew they could electrocute people without actual killing them, they decided to try it on a NUN.

When Gustav threw the switch that sent 110 volts of electricity through her entire body it blew that black and white helmet/thingy straight off her head like a rocket ship that made her hair stand up like Frankenstein’s bride.

Hair, you ask?

Yeah. Nuns have hair.

The second she grabbed the side of our pool to look at the mosquitoes we were breeding, he threw the switch and…

Kabam

 

…that’s when it happened!  The habit, the hair, the shrieking. the ambulance and THE TWITCH.

Let's just say this, my year in Sister Godzilla's class didn't go well for either of us. 

If you've ever been the victim of an awful sibling prank, tell me about it! COMMENT

I guess the next thing I'll have to do, is tell you about the ZOO!

Sister Godzilla

Hey, I'm the guy in the diaper above. What your missing in the picture is 5 more (not puppies) family members. See those pants the older boys are wearing  - the ones with holes? Yeah those -  they got passed down a few more times before they got to me. That's what I called "hand-me down, down, down, downs." Every now and then I got lucky and got shirts that had most of the buttons still intact.  I always felt a little insecure and a bit self conscience about my clothes. So now I'll give you one more little snippet from my fictional memoir.

 Chapter 1  First day of Fifth Grade (cont)

All I wanted was a fair chance for once, but it was always the same thing. Sister Lucilla had only gotten as far as the “D’s” on her roll call, saw my name and freaked out in front of everybody. I smiled hoping to please my fifth grade teacher.  It didn’t work. She pulled me from my seat, stuck me in the hallway just outside the door and stomped down to the head nun in charge of the Catholic grammar school. 

 "He’s one of them.” she said protesting to Sister Superior. "Those kids are from the Pit of Abomination and I don’t think I could survive one more year. Mother Superior, no disrespect, but as you know, I barely made it through that experience alive.” She pounded her fist on the desk with every one of her last six words. “No! No! No! Absolutely not!” She screamed with angry eyebrows in a tone that sounded more and more like begging ―loud enough for practically everyone in the entire school to hear. 

“Please?” She finished, pitifully as if waving the white flag, pleading that it just wasn’t fair. She felt that she had suffered long enough.  With her left eye twitching, she despaired that one more Dahlin would likely push her into an early grave.

Considering the Dahlins a terminal infestation that had plagued the school for the past 10 years, Sister Superior didn’t even try to argue with her.  Instead she just looked with empathy at the nun (who at 63 ―looked at least 83) and said "life was not fair."

Being excited about the intake of another Dahlin boy was like being excited about ingesting spoiled food, both were sure to trigger a bad case of dysentery, bound to last an entire year. 

Pathetically limping away she was determined to pay me back for all the horrible pranks and crimes my older brothers had committed against her over the past eight years ―especially the pool incident at the beginning of summer.                          MORE ABOUT THAT LATER

“Apocalypse. Apocalypse,” She mumbled in defeat under her breath dragging her weary carcass back down the long corridor.  Pausing in front of a statue of Mary, sister made the sign of the cross and with new resolve, the stout five-foot German tank, pumped her cold boney fist into the air with the grit of a kamikaze pilot looked up at me and shouted,  “Not this year!  Not this time!”

THE APOCALYPSE

THE APOCALYPSE

Warfare.

Every year before my first day of class I had a reputation that preceded me and this year was no different.

I was the enemy.

With my golden hair neatly plastered with my dad’s frugal concoction of sugar-water, I arrived in patched hand-me-downs and a uniform sweater “borrowed” from the lost and found. As usual I was wearing smelly socks scavenged from the floor of Flea-Bait’s room and three Band-Aids on my forehead covering my latest battle wounds. What made me stick out more than all that was the bright red nose which was still recovering from the sunburn that I got at Salton Sea a couple weeks ago. The only bright spot in my last minute transfer across the hall to Sister Lucilla’s class was my brand new PF Flyers. My parents gave them to me as a bribe. Handing me the shoes, mom said I could not mention anything about our Salton Sea vacation to another living soul. 

Excerpt from my fictionalized memoir: Markie D - Monkey in the Attic.

My Thoughts. I always thought I was weird for being afraid of the dark and as though I just didn't fit in with my motley crew. My family had left me behind at Salton Sea and for a little kid of 9 years old it was a pretty traumatic event.  We all just laughed it off later (I pretended well), but in reality it did wound the psyche of a small kid trying to find his fit in the world. I felt like one of those nervous rats that had to walk around the edge of the room with its whiskers touching the wall.  

Am I alone out there? Is there anyone else that felt like me? Scared? Nervous? Hurt? Disconnected? Unloved? Lost? It was hard for me to image any another human being in the entire world to have self-esteem as low as me.  I want to share some of my crazy childhood stories with you knowing that you have a story to share too. Share your childhood memories, comment below.