Reverse Mohawk II and the Blessed Can Opener!

(Continued) Running for my life, I was trapped like a rat that had been backed into one of the corners of our rattlesnake cages upstairs on the third floor - only this was in the kitchen and the snake was Ulrich. I had nowhere to go, Ulrich was wound tighter than a "rattler" ready to strike and I knew that I was a gonner.
To think that this was all about throw-up at church that left me nothing left in my stomach to defend myself with - no super powers.

That's when I saw it!

And that's when I remembered, and that is when I heard angels singing.

The "Blessed" can opener had been swung away from the wall and latched down into it's lock position.

I remembered how many times I had barely made it underneath that thing and almost had the skin on the top of my head scalped off by its sharp underbelly.

And... it was right there in the sudden flash that I was struck by divine Epiphany. Okay, maybe it wasn't so divine, but it was right at that moment that I REMEMBERED THAT ULRICH WAS ONE INCH TALLER THAN I WAS!

I screamed for help as I ran around mom who just stood in the middle of the room like a zombie and did nothing.  She had already changed enough diapers that if they were stacked on top of each other- it would rival Mount Everest. She had already sewn a million costumes for Halloween, she had attended too many parent conference meetings...she had already stopped ten thousand fist fights...she had already been to the police department to bail out my brothers a hundred and eighty-seven times;  she had already been to the zoo one too many times; locked in a car with a zillion-screaming-farting-fighting kids and traveled across country six times too many and she had been to Salton Sea way too many times.  She had already typed too many term papers for procrastinating teens; she had already saved me and my brothers from killing each other about a billion times... and had watched the Lennon Sisters on the Lawrence Welk show 8,000 times too many...and now her eyes were glassy as she stood three - having earned the privilege to check out.

I screamed, for help, but I knew I was on my own. The good news was, I was able to use her as a body shield as I ran around the outside of her AND DIRECTLY UNDER THE LATCHED-DOWN CAN OPENER!


The can opener caught my helmet and nearly threw me backwards, but luckily the Sugar-Water concoction I had plastered my hair with (my dad's invention for cheap hair gel - blog post 9/21/13) cracked and I...Yes I, little Markie D, RAN UNDERNEATH!

                          (Dad's sugar-hair-gel concoction seen to the right)

I heard the crack! And I heard the scream and I heard the thud and I saw the blood. Yep, I ran directly underneath that good 'O can opener - (my friend) - which had caught Ulrich straight across the cranium from forehead to calic like the bloody furrow of  a deep rut in a field plowed by a ruthless tractor.

Ulrich laid on ground with a bloody, reverse Mohawk. Mom didn't even see anything happen, she just stepped over his body and walked up stairs with her Carnation Instant Breakfast drink, asking the good Lord why the Dahlins couldn't be more like the Blasers or like perfect Lennons across the street (she still believed that they were the best Catholics in the entire universe (post 4/28/13).

I think she thought the news of my vomiting in Mass was going to reach the ears of the Pope at the Vatican and that we were going to be unpleasantly invited to join the Lutheran church...i.e.  "Excommunication."

With broom still clutched in his fist...Ulrich had come back into consciousness and had begun to slowly stagger to his feet. "UH OH!"

I said a quick "Mea Culpa" and some Pig Latin... "ownay Iay eednay otay etgay outay ofay erehay... Oray Iay AM DEAD!

I ran out the back door.. asked the Veloci-Rooster to protect me as I darted into the chicken coop...shut the door, clucked like hen and said another prayer- figuring that I deserved payback of Biblical proportions.  I knew this wasn't the end of it, especially since Ulrich would have to wear bandages on his head for the next two months at Saint Monica's High School and that I had ten-fold coming back unto me for the giving thusly unto Ulrich.

Amen!

The next story involves this boat (and as you can see in this picture it was old - 8 years ago), Chewbacca, a whale, a storm, Gherhing The Great and Sister Edith's prayer - AGAIN!