Sex Education and the stupid eight grader.

Last time, I left off sharing how my attempt to impress the girl I loved (peanut butter and unrequited love) had been blown up in my face (literally) by an unfortunate encounter with an indelible marker. I thought I had finally met the pinnacle of embarrassment by having to go to school with the "drive-by tattooing" all over my face...compliments of the early morning ambush by big brother, Chewbacca, who had been sneaking in at the crack of dawn from one of those hippie all-nighters. Though that embarrassment made it beyond the Venice boarders into Santa Monica and back and had consumed two full days of heartache until an even greater embarrassment of discovering that I may have been the stupidest kid in the 8th grade (I don't mean at Saint Mark's grammar school - I mean in the world)!



Two days later after my suspension, I was riding the Santa Monica blue bus, number 3, with a group of peers traveling back to Saint Mark from the early morning advanced high school math at Saint Monica's high school.


There was still remnants of the back ink under the red blotches of skin that I had scrubbed raw for two days. The bus stopped in front of the newer McDonalds on Lincoln blvd and the group of us nerdy "brainiacs" were walking in front of the Saint Mark's Rectory when it happened... THE MOMENT of revelation!



This moment of discovery didn't just enlighten me, but also made me believe that I must have been the dumbest kid in the eight grade, and if not, then certainly the stupidest kid ever in advanced high school math.

Why?

I'll tell you why! What was I thinking all these years? Why didn't I see it... and where was my brain the whole time? Was I the only 13-year-old in the entire universe not to have a clue about "the birds and the bees" - reason with me here - we had a zoo in our backyard, a terrarium of snakes, chuckwallas, iguanas, guinea pigs, turtles...we had a cage for breeding mice  - two of the most prolific baby-producing females dogs in the world... and rabbits all having sex right in my own house- right under my own nose - under my own roof. The Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom nature show could have been filmed at my house - and I had no clue that this was how babies were born!     DUMB!     Hello!  

AND... I had to open my big mouth - right there - only steps away from the schoolyard in front of the house where the Catholic priests lived. Terry Balletine mentioned some juicy morsel about the kid in our class who came from a divorced family. To Catholics, this was scandalous and he was the only kid we knew from a divorced family.  I had been to this kid's apartment and tried to add some information to the conversation (as tough I had some superior inside knowledge) and said how sad it was that "he only had a mother."

UNFORTUNATELY they took it - exactly the way I meant it.  That was when everyone stopped dead in their tracks and looked at me in utter horror as if the world had stopped spinning or as if time slowed down like in one of those Twilight Zone episodes.  

I still loved the smell of crayons and building forts with Tommy Blaser and Jeffery Lennon in the backyard and it suddenly dawned on me that there was this other world out there...one that I had not given any thought to.  Why? Probably because I spent too much time thinking about how I was going to survive the next attack, ambush or devious prank from the Wolf Pack!

Maybe normal parents told their regular 12 or 13-year-old kids about the birds and the bees - but not mine- NO! My mom was locked in her room watching the Lennon Sisters and I Love Lucy.

I felt like Mowgli in Jungle Book when he saw the girl and all the bells and whistles went off... I got it.





Suddenly, it all became clear and I finally got the meaning behind all the dirty schoolyard jokes the boys had been telling for the past 4 years!  I had really thought a stork (of some sort) had delivered little Ralph to his mommy... and to think that with the million times we sprayed the male dogs that had been attached our female dog in the moment of sexual procreation and that I didn't get it!  

They laughed and circled me and pointed and said I was retarded! I was! Utter humiliation...then in a stroke genius... connecting all the dots with the epiphany of revelation that made everything come to light I said, "No, I didn't mean he didn't have a dad..." (not true) praying hoping they would buy it  "...Pshaw, what I meant was that he lived with his mom only!"  and then proceeded to tell them that of course he had to have a dad...as though I was an expert on the subject of having babies. I say, "The father was just out of the picture, because poor Ralph's parents had gotten a divorced!"

And to drive home my point ... I made sure to look at all of them as though they were complete idiots! Triumphantly, I lifted my head, broke though the circle of mocking - and walked towards school - never looking back at other kids... knowing that I would have to show up to church on Saturday for confession, because - I had told the greatest fib ever (especially if I was going to serve as an Altar-Boy).

I spent the whole day in class trying not to make eye contact with anyone - especially Andrea!   How could I ever look into her big brown eyes - when thinking about the birds and the bees.

How could I ever look at girls the same!  I spent the rest of my time - contemplating this new paradigm shift in my brain and had to force myself  back to holier thought on how I could get back at Chewbacca - for his evil prank with the marker - and  - that's when I came up with the brilliant idea!

Next time!