CHEWBACCA and The Template of Doom

For all of you around the world who are joining Markie D's journey through adolescence, you can see that this is much more than the iconic, How I survived Catholic School...but rather, how this poor little guy survived at all.
              Thank you for joining me!
These 100% true stories take place in the seed bed of the tumultuous 60's cultural revolution in America.  My mother-in-law warned me, "Markie D, aren't you afraid of what people in other countries might think of America?" My reaction is, "They might actually want to know what was taking place over here at this time in history!" 

The year is 1966, John Lennon just declared that the Beatles were "Bigger than Jesus," long hair was in and all the kids were quoting Captain Kirk (from Star Trek) "Beam me up Scotty."

The United States and the Soviet Union were like two fifth graders in a schoolyard standoff in something called the Cold War. 

The Civil Rights movement was in full swing, rioting and Viet Nam Protest was happening all over the country. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Markie D was 10-years-old and in fifth grade... but to understand his psychosis, you probably need to go back in the blog and read about the "The Zoo," "Salton Sea" and "The Hamper."  When Mrs. D. wasn't teaching school at Saint Marks, she came home and locked herself in her bedroom and watched episodes of Bonanza, I love Lucy, Bewitched and The Beverley Hillbillies (and of course got her dose of the Lennon Sisters on the Lawrence Welk Show every Saturday night). Meanwhile the Wolf Pack (that's Mark's older brothers) were calling the shots at the Dahlin family asylum.  They were creative, intelligent, mischievous beyond imagination and totally unrestrained. HELLO?

We left off last time...with Markie punching poor Billy in the face and was now fearing the consequences of the wrath of Mr. Lennon or that Billy might join Ulrich's "Small-Men Army of Anarchy." 

Having barely survived the first day of Fifth Grade in Sister Godzilla's class, Markie D was about to discover THE MOST TERRIFYING NEWS OF HIS LIFE on Tuesday.  It wasn't about the threat of nuclear warfare or Viet Nam, it was something far worst, it was about his second oldest brother's college schedule (which had everything to do with what happened in the school yard at the end of lunch time to poor Michael C). 

Markie D ran home for lunch, saw a snake in the palm tree next to the Smith's house, which he knew that had escaped from the attic cages of his old, turn-of-the-century 3 story home. It was not the rattlesnake that put the entire neighborhood on high alert for the past week...so Markied D wrestled the gardersnake from the palm fronds and took it home.

When Markie D descended the stairs it was like a cold chill that blew in horror movies just before the knife repeatedly stuck it unsuspecting victim. Bjorn (another made up name to protect the guilty), stood in the direct path between the service stairs and the toaster.

Markie rounded the corner and Bjorn's eyes lit up and a crooked smile broke across his face like that of the Grinch when he looked down on Whoville after stealing all the presents. The Terrifying News was that Bjorn, now in college, had Tuesday and Thursdays off during Markie's lunch hour.

From the look that Bjorn gave...Markie knew he was in trouble...he just didn't know how much at the moment. Besides the fact that there was 8 years between them, Bjorn was tall and Markie was small. Bjorn a hairy-hippy viking who towered above 6 feet and Markie was the smallest boy in fifth grade - at barely over 4 feet and not more than 70 lbs dripping wet.

Mark gulped when Bjorn asked him if he knew what a "template" was. He knew it was a loaded question and attempted to throw out positive pheromones, like he tried to do with the attack rooster in the backyard.

"A template is a plastic thing you draw around, right?"  Markie said... trying not to reveal his fear...as if he could will himself to be released from Bjorn's sinister tractor beam.


"No, let me show you" replied Bjorn in a threatening tone that gave away his intent.

Frozen by fear, Markie could not move. This was like one of those moments in his dreams where his feet would not comply to his demands to run away. Bjorn's grin stretch from ear to ear as he approached the little fellow who had retreated home for a piece of sourdough toast in lieu of packing a lunch this morning.  

Bjorn's words sounded as scary as the doll in the Twilight Zone when she said, "My name is Talking Tina and I don't think I like you." It was just one brother and Markie figured he could take them one at a time...but Bjorn lulled Markie D into a hypnotic sense of false security with his even, soft tones. Bjorn said, "This is a template" and grabbed Markie by this temples between his strong thumb and other fingers. Bjorn squeezed almost lifting Markied D off his feet. He squeezed and he squeezed and Markie D blacked out, went limp and crumpled to the floor... in a unconscious pile of flesh and bones. "Restless dreams I walked alone. Narrow streets of cobblestone."

Markie's head spun as he slowly faded back into consciousness... Little did he know this would be a ritual he would have to endure every Tuesday and Thursday for Bjorn's first college semester. "Hello darkness my old friend"

Clinging to the edge of the bumper pool-table for support - though semi-alert and dizzy, Markie managed to make it back to his feet.  He staggered his way past the stacks of National Geographic magazines, successfully toasted his Pioneer sourdough bread and happily headed back to Saint Marks with his warm, buttered toast.

Michael C. please don't do what your about to do next - this is just a warning: DON'T MESS WITH HIS TOAST!  Next time, apparently, poor Michael, the bully, didn't get the memo!

God was kind to Mark and gave him special coping mechanism that, though feeling alone - like a rock, an island...like Mogwli lost in the jungle and raised by the Wolf Pack...despite how he was treated or should I say mistreated...He was a happy little soul who lived in his own little world.

He'll grow up to have certain character flaws... memory loss... learning disabilities, but eventually - by the grace of God, the little guy will be Okay! :)