Pt 1 The HAMPER of DEATH: The Trap is Set.

Okay, so I barely survived my first day of Fifth Grade because Sister Godzilla almost kicked me out (she had enough Dahlins already). Innocently, Marilyn had brought up the "Tragedy" of our last family vacation that ended up on the front page of the Herald Examiner. Nothing ever seemed to go right, so mom decided that she was going to lock herself in her room, whenever she was home. Between watching Bonanza, The Andy Griffith Show, The Beverly Hillbillies and this new show that just started called Star Trek, she had plenty to keep her busy.

Problem now was - Dad was out at Salton Sea selling lots which left the inmates to run the asylum (The inmates were my brothers - affectionately know as The Wolf Pack).  I think whenever mom watched the Lennon Sisters on the Lawerance Welk Show it just proved how much more dysfunctional we were - than the picture of perfection that lived across the street - which drove her to buy more locks for her bedroom door.

Without the parentals around, this promised to be the best life a kid could ask for. This was every kid's dream. RIGHT? That is, unless you just so happen to be the last born - the last born male child in a family already littered with too many male children. You already got a glimpse of our life: we let the monkeys out of the Zoo...terrorized the grouch next door...and subjected ourselves to be cooked, fried, Shaked-N-Baked  in a trailer so that we could cover ourselves in volcanic mud and camp for free.
                                                     My dad the frugal Swede!

Anyway, it was 1966 and the boys battled over the surf sounds of the The Beach Boys and The Beatles. Regardless of what 45 was playing on the record player at the time -  the winner was long blonde hair.

Me, on the other hand, as the runt of the litter (The omega male of the Wolf Pack), received all the sibling torture my creative and innovative brothers could conjure. With mom locked in her bedroom and dad at Salton Sea, there was no telling what torment would be in store for me on any particular day.

Especially since the "Salton Sea thing," I had felt distanced and alone and disconnected and desperately longing to feel a part of the TRIBE! This longing to fit in...is the only explanation I have for saying, "yes" to the offer I was about to receive. I mean would anybody in their right mind...anyone who is dreadfully, fearfully, and absolutely claustrophobic - as well as anyone who lives vicariously through their nose - say yes to something that was sure to kill them. 

I had vomit superpowers...I would not...could not - ever do such a thing. Just goes to show you that I was not in my right mind and would do just about anything to feel like I fit in (this is probably the definition of psychosis right?).

I can't tell you exactly who was involved in this one...because I could only hear the muffled voices of all the perpetrators through the small metal coffin that I voluntarily subjected myself to. I tell you right now, it was a very bad decision.

List of those involved: The entire Wolf Pack: Tony, Karl, Kris, Bob, Philip, Kurt, Kleghorn, Erick, Charlie, Terry, Tom Weltz...In addition to that, it was possibly...Donny Blaser, Bruce Grant, a Smith or two and maybe at least one of the Lennon brothers - Pat most likely? But I wouldn't be able to tell you for sure in a court of law. All I know was that I was out numbered by about a hundred to one. Let's just say, the odds weren't exactly stacked in my favor.

This latest scheme was to be a "TWOFER" on the grandest scale. On the following Saturday, Kurt cheerfully bounded up the stairs and announced that "Harding Ave" (that's the street we lived on and this is how - even to this day, we identify ourselves), "Harding Avenue was preparing to have the world's biggest Hide-N-Seek game," and he was inviting me to play!  (What you have to remember is that with just the Lennon and Dahlin kids in four houses on our block - that was over forty kids alone). This was going to be huge. He was inviting me. My clan, my pack, my people, my family were including me... I felt liked, wanted, accepted  (to the point of psychosis) and wanted to be included. How could I say No! I never did and it never ended well.

"Sure, you want me to hold these electrical wires - no problem"
"Sure, you want me to put me in a straight jacket and throw me over a cliff - no problem"
"Sure, you want to bury me in a pit in our backyard - no problem"
"Sure, you want to hang me on a wire - no problem"
"Sure, you want to tie me to the palm tree for Good Friday - no problem" 
"Sure, you want to hang me out of the third story window by my ankles - no problem"
"Sure, you want to hunt me with BB guns and needle-tipped arrows -  uh...no...problem"

...and..."Sure...Kurt, you want me to climb into an old diaper pail - turned hamper and hide from The Wolf Pack...um...um...um...and you want to latch the lid? Do you mean you want me to climb into a thing that held a billion old baby diapers...um...um...um...and into a thing that is dark, that has a lid, that has a latch and that still stinks of old baby diapers...um...um...sure big brother - uh no...problem!"

Did I just say, "no problem?" Well, I did! So, next time I'll tell you the whole gory story of betrayal, entrapment and the flaming hamper of death.

Kids, remember, (as Mrs. Blaser used to tell Tommy), if Markie D were to jump off a building, it doesn't mean you have to! Or if a big brother were to coax you into an old metal hamper that has a latch on the lid, it doesn't mean you have to climb inside...     LEARN TO SAY NO!