Book 2: Writhering Worm of Death (Cloak Room Caper pt 1)

"Head tones!" she shouted. "Head tones, class!" Sister Edith exhorted the seventh grade class to dig deep and reach for higher notes. Most of the girls couldn't even reach notes that high. The boys, on the other hand, sounded like mice whose tails had been slammed in the door - because most of them were going through puberty and their voices were cracking like when the needle gets to the end of a record.

 I think Sister thought that we were the Vienna boys choir, but I had bad news for her - Ricky already had a mustache and no one in our class could get even get within eight notes of the octave she was trying to push us to - expect Anthony! He liked all this singing business.



Me, why... I wasn't a Lennon and God did not give me the gift of singing (I could whistle- though). When God was handing out voices I think our entire Dahlin tribe was probably off fighting one another or hanging on monkey bars - and the Lennons...well, they probably went through the line twice. Anyway, in middle of this music lesson, I figured I had better excused myself and made my way to the boy's room. God forbid that I try to hold it in again! I never - ever wanted to go through what had happened in Miss/Mrs. Sim/Simpson's class (Blog Post June 18th)! (I know the whole Sim/Simpson thing is weird; I didn't get it, but that's what I called her.)






While the awful cacophony of "Do, Re, Mi" was curdling the blood of the surrounding classrooms and irritating nearby dogs, I had to figure out some excuse for not going back. Ugh...I could hear Anthony and the girls screeching and the boys squawking that hurt my ears worst than fingernails on a chalkboard. I had to find a way out or I might die! "Think, think, think, Markie D," I said to myself pounding my fist to my head. I needed one of my flashes of genius and could only think about pretending to be sick.

I contemplated that for less than a second. The last time I checked himself into the school nurse in an effort to get out of a test and go home sick, it didn't turn out so good for anybody.

It was back in the 5th grade (in Sister Godzilla's class) when I fainted illness and she sent me to the infirmary.  The volunteer mother there, tried to convince me that I had gas and told me to bend over, grab my ankles and "push!"  She yield at me like a cheerleader or a doctor for a mother giving birth..."Push! Push! Push," she exhorted, waiting for me to pass gas! Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?

Sister Godzilla came in to make sure I wasn't trying to ditch and as she walked in the door - there I was with my little 12 year-old butt pointed right at her. She had the audacity to yell at me like this was all my fault. "Be careful where you point that thing, it might be loaded!"

Good Grief.

To make matters worst...in walked one of the teacher aids... a cool girl from the eight grade - my life was ruined.

 "Fourth most embarrassing moment in my life."

In a brilliant flash of genius, I quickly let go of my ankles and began fumbling about the floor as if searching for something the nurse-mom had misplaced.

"Nope, don't see it down here either!" I said, pretending to help the volunteer mom find something that wasn't really lost. Standing up, I stretched up high on my tippy toes and looked up on top of a dusty old cabinet and said, "Uh-uh, not here either.  Yep," I said loud enough for Theresa to hear, "I think I'll go back to class now.. I think everything is OKAY"

Brilliant! It had double meaning... to the cute girl, she was supposed to hear that I was finished with my heroic effort to help Mrs. Putziger and to Mrs. Putziger she was supposed to hear that I was fine, because her old "wives' tale" trick worked. Geezers, imagine if this got spread about school. That defining moment in 5th grade cured me of one thing. 

 I would never go to the infirmary again.

Ha...I felt the least I could do was spread a little Harding Avenue joy and "crop-dust" on the way out  of the room (Dooh-Dooh Pants coined the term "crop dust" and perfected the art of clearing entire rooms with a single SBD).  Maliciously I left them in a malodorous "Silent-But-Deadly" cloud and vowed never to return again... then I hid in the alcove of Sister Shultz' classroom and watched as Mrs. Putziger and Theresa hastily emerged from the infirmary office choking and gasping for fresh air thinking ill of the other.                          Who said school had to be totally dull?

Well, that was then and this was now. Since I had opted out of the "faking-a-sick-stomach" routine, my options were sorely limited as I passed by the infirmary and begrudging made my way slowly back to the terrorizing sounds of 7th graders who were attempting to reach decibel levels that hurt human ears. It was rumored that Sister Edith's music classes drove 'O Mr. Snyder's dog bonkers (He was the grouch who lived behind Saint Mark's grammar school and stole every kickball that went over the fence for revenge- who could blame him right?)

There was no one in the hallway at that moment, so in an effort to kill some time I threw himself down on the ground and rolled around pretending be dying an agonizing death. Just so happened that Marilyn had come back from the supply room with the ditto-copier machine and had rounded the corner to find me rolling and squirming around on the ground like a possum that had been half-run-over by a car. This might be the fifth most embarrassing moment after being caught holding my ankles - butt in the air - and being cheered to "PUSH!"

Freezing like a mutant worm on the  floor, I freaked out and wondered how this could possible help my reputation with ladies. All I needed was for Marilyn to tell Andrea that her suspicions were correct and I was retarded. I was in love, but was so insecure - I couldn't even say a word to Andrea or barley look in her direction without melting like the Popsicle at Salton Sea (Blog Post May 13th).

(See me flexing in the rear... that was the weekend they left me there when that 'O Popsicle just melted down my arm and onto the ground!)

By this time, I had been electrocuted and buried and shot at and tricked and stuffed and hunted and was insecure in my own skin. I was pathetic and desperately needed to feel accepted and often sought approval in all the wrong ways. Looking up at Marilyn, ten thousand scenarios flashed through my hyper active pea-brain. Yet, none of those excuses that I could immediately come up with - could not explain this incredibly abnormal behavior.

FLASH - Epiphany! The school play, popped into my noggin! The annual Christmas pageant this year was supposed to be sponsored by the seventh grade class. Quickly I asked, "Well what do you think?" As, though rolling around on the floor, was something that wasn't completely bizarre!

Astonished, Marilyn asked, "What on earth do you mean, what do I think?"

Smiling confidently, I took the offensive, "Is it believable?" I pressed her for an answer.

"Believable! What the heck are you talking about?" Marilyn asked with an incongruous look on her face.

"Pshawww...Can't you see! I'm practicing for the play! Come on Marilyn, get with it. As a shepherd, do you think that when the angels visited the poor shepherds out in the fields at night- that I should roll around on the ground like this (I gave her another little sample) as though I am dying of an awful fright? Well?" I asserted with serious eyes.

"Well, what?" she said, holding her position.

"Well, did it work? Did it look like I was dying from fright... do you think the audience will buy it?"

"Well, whatever" she said and rolled around me with the mimeograph-copy-machine-thingy keeping a wide birth, like I was one of those possessed guys in the bible.

I dragged myself slowly back to the classroom on my belly and laid outside the door practicing my writhing. Finally I built up the courage to open the door and crept in quietly while holding my ears. I just couldn't take it and seriously contemplated going back to the infirmary and holding my butt in the air like a frightened stink bug...for anyone and everyone to see, when the perfect plan came to me in another flash.

Instead of returning to my seat... I slipped unnoticed into the "cloak room" with a grin on my face that had to put the mean old Grinch's smile to shame.

I had a plan... and hummed the Beatles, "Hey Jude" to make it better... as I exectued my brilliant pla. 

Next time "The Cloak Room Caper"

There Was No Way Out!

Star date: Saturday September 10th 1966 The third longest day in the history of the world next to the day I was left behind at Salton Sea (blog Post) and the day the sun stood still in Joshua's time (recorded for us in the Bible).

8:00-10:00 am So far this morning "Chapped-lipped-Jimmy" and Tommy came over to help me on the finishing touches on one of the 7 wonders of the Fort-Building World ! (Blog pos 7-29)


10:00 am-12:00 noon The older boys woke up and began working on a way to make the "fire escape" pole even more diabolical, by hooking it up to the dangling electrical wires that dangerously hung out of the kitchen wall, which we used to electrocute unsuspecting guest, girl friends and even a Saint Marks Catholic school nun. 

Zit King or oldest my brother, "his highness King Gustav," came pulling up in his 9 billion horsepower legendary Ford "Rat Killer" that woke up the neighborhood for at least a quarter of a mile around...including Gherhing the Great, who made his way over to my house.

My house was the center of the universe (at least that is the way it seemed to an 11 year old.   

Chewbacca, my second oldest brother, while standing in the azalea bush, had the runaway rattlesnake climb up his pant leg and precariously snuggle up with his boy parts. He threw Puke Breathe, 3rd or 4th oldest brother (depending who you count) onto the top of the fort, trapping "booger-slurping Jimmy" inside.

Gustav threw the switch, electrocuting both Chewbacca and the rattlesnake in order to save Chewbacca's life. It worked!The boys were able to pull the pants off of the dazed Chewbacca and removed the stunned rattlesnake.

12:00 noon - 1:00 While putting the rattlesnake back, the hideous and dangerous Iguana from hell (AKA Del Diablo) got away. It was Chewy's fault. He freaked out when he got pissed on by a "harmless"garter snake, which subsequently sunk its sharp fangs into my arm, which slapped Chewy in the face when I swung around in alarm which caused Chewy to cry out "Ave Marie" in his native tongue who then tripped over a stick which opened the latch!

the dreaded Iguana "Del Diablo" assaulted Chewy then fled down three flights of stairs, across the street and into poor Mrs. Tripp's house and became an uninvited roommate in the wall heater(blog post 8/1/2013) 

 1:00 - 2:00 pm When the Wolf Pack (that's my brothers) all came back across the street, little Johnny Gillamonster (pictured below), stole his mother's Nova and broke the drive-shaft trying to show off to the hordes on Harding Avenue. 

The Wolf Pack viewed that unfortunate event as fortuitous bounce of luck as they bankrolled it, into a serendipitous distraction to stage an accident involving my best-est 5th grade buddy - Gherhing the Great.  When the good-hearted Helms Bakery delivery man came to check on my friend who was under the front bumper of the disabled automobile (with an entire bottle of ketchup spread all over his chest and around his head -  the Wolf Pack raided the delivery truck of its ever elusive delectable cream-filled eclairs (Blog post 8/3/2013)

With traces of cream still hanging from his lips and hair covered in ketchup, Gherhing and I discovered the stinky poop that Jimmy left in the "bathroom" corner of the fort.

As we filled in the four foot pit with dirt, the boys decided to terrorized my mom's guest - Jerry "TT" (blog post).  It was psychological warfare. They ran up the front porch stairs, in through the wide-open front door, past the living room interrupting mom and her guest! The long hair hippy-want-a-be's made sure to wave as they scurried past the living room, then proceeded past the fouled mouthed fowl - the Mynah Bird - that was taught to cuss, up three more flights of stairs - to the third floor where they picked up speed- running the length of the long back room as if it were a airport runway for a takeoff. The boys then leaped out of the third story window some thirty-forty feet from sure death below like suicidal flying squirrels.

Over and over they did this making sure that Jerry "TT" and mom saw their faces...in each interruption as they passed by the living room. 

And that's where we left off.

2:00 - 2:30pm 
Tired of the entire interruption-affair, upset and frustrated mom came to the end of her rope. This is where she invoked THE CLAUSE!  The Clause rarely ever failed!  The only reason it didn't work at the Zoo when we let all the monkeys out, was because Ulrich said, he couldn't hear her over the adulations of the adoring crowd that he had been entertaining while precariously perched on the edge of monkey habitat (blog post 4/29/2013).

What Jerry couldn't figure out, was how on earth he kept seeing some of the same faces as they ran in through the front door and up the stairs.


IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE: How could a hairy tribe member, run in through the front door, head up stairs and come back in again through the front door? To Jerry this was like something out of the TWILIGHT ZONE. The scheme had the effect the boys desired; not only did it confuse him, but also incited him to anger. "YES!" They got got into his mushy head.  They owned him and they knew it.



Mom stood to her feet and screamed. "UNDER-PAIN-OF-MORTAL-SIN...You will stop that this instance! Do you hear me?" The only problem was that, several of the kids were not Catholic and did not share the same fear of purgatory like the rest of us...AND Gherhing the Great and I had been outside putting dirt in the hole, which was once a fort that rivaled the Sphinx in Egypt.

With blatant disregard to "The Clause" Dooh-Dooh Pants came back through for about the fourth time when Jerry took this act of disobedience as permission to chase down a few of the boys (he might of have some ulterior motive as well - yuck!). In both anger and secret delight, Jerry launched himself after Dooh-Dooh Pants and chased him up the stairs. Dooh-Dooh Pants made sure not to out run Jerry, but wanted to make Jerry believe he had a chance at catching him. Up, up, up, up they ran. See Jerry run. Run Dooh-Dooh Pants run!

When they reached the top floor Jerry knew, he had his prey in sight. Dooh-Dooh Pants was trapped in the long back bedroom - the very same room that held all the snake cages (last post). THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. Jerry had him right where he wanted him as a sinister smile of evil delight broke across his face - like the Grinch when he looked down on poor Whoville after stealing all the Christmas presents. 

 Dooh-Dooh Pants contorted his face in contrived fear allowing Jerry "The Toucher" to come within a foot of two.  As Jerry "TT" approached with that icky look on his face... Dooh-Dooh Pants face lite up with a diabolical grin of its own and took off running.  With no where to go, Jerry knew he had Dooh-Dooh Pants trapped.

Dooh-Dooh Pants "cut the cheese" and to the utter dismay and unbelief of Jerry "TT" threw himself out the window.  Jerry correctly reasoned that Dooh-Dooh Pants would rather commit suicide than to be caught alone with him.Leaving Jerry in a cloud of fish-stick and spoiled spaghetti stench Dooh-Dooh Pants flung himself out of that third story window jumping for the pole that perilously dangled from the tippy-top corbel of the old turn-of-the-century house.

Out Dooh-Dooh Pants flew and down he slid, falling the last six feet or so onto the azalea bush below. Up he looked and grinned in satisfaction to the glaring dissatisfied stare of Jerry "TT".

Enraged and empowered by the clause..Jerry "TT was now raging to catch a teenage boy.

Jerry came back down the stairs and stood in the front entry, just waiting for his next victim to come through the front door... the Mynah Bird had some choice words it parroted to Jerry. Jerry was standing there with hands clenched ready to ring the neck of a morally innocent bird when Gherhing the Great and I came in through THE BACK DOOR wanting to get into the fun.

This is where everything went terribly wrong! Gherhing the Great did manage to escape and slide down the pole, but the on the way up the stairs, I decided to zig when I should have zagged! Gherhing was moving too slow and I made a ill fated dash for the front room of the second floor that was filled with junk...

Bad choice, Markie d. Bad Choice!


Meanwhile the Lennon's on the corner... the famous Lennon Sisters and siblings were all securely tucked  away from the mayhem inside the safety of their house.

Next time, see if Markie D escapes the clutches of Jerry "TT" and Chewy's fateful fall!

Until then Know: Du är älskad!