Rotting in a Shallow Backyard Grave!

Still underestimating the boy’s evil genius, I ignored the water from the sprinkler that went rap-tap-tap on the plastic tarp that had been stretched out over my head. The noise was torture, but I was distracted from the monotonous back and forth intervals of the fake rain - by focusing my ire instead on the disgusting looking rooster which was now strutting right outside my tiny, concrete-block, maximum-security prison cell.

Through the narrow spaces between the concrete blocks that the Wolf Pack had stacked up around me, I nervously watched the crazy attack-rooster with a foreboding sense of impending death worse then what I had felt when I was trapped in “the hamper of death’ underneath Edna’s great big Buick (if that were possible - see POST 6/5/13). Without the use of my hands, I couldn't see any way out of this latest predicament other than by way of mortuary. 

I offered up the words my seventh grade teacher, Sister Edith, said we should say before we die, “Lord I love you and I’m sorry for my sins.”

 I wondered if any other 12-year-old in the world has ever said those words as much as I have. I felt like was beginning to wear them out – like eating too much Captain Crunch cereal that begins hurts the top of your mouth or like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz who clicked her heels together three times and said, “There is no place like home.”

My question is, “How many times can you say that and still have the magic work?  When does it become presumptuous or so overused that it loses it effect? I began to worry about whether God would let my stinking corpse into heaven should the skin rot of my bones in this forsaken backyard grave?

The motivation of the oozing-pink-and-red-patches-of-skin-and-feathers that patrolled the boarders of my solitary confinement was not that of a mindless minion doing the evil bidding of the Wolf Pack.

Instead, the determined raptor paced inches from my face as though I was his prize, as if I was a bleeding man in a shark cage.

I think the hideous rooster was trying to send a message to the cat that sat glaring from the kitchen window without so much as a blink.  The fighting cock looked up to Chewbacca’s pampered cat (that pompously peered out the window as though it owned the butter and the counter-tops inside) as if threatening the scabby feline that this was his territory and that I was his prize and that it had better not even think about touching one paw in its sovereign domain – or else! The rooster crowed and scratched at the dirt as if saying, “You have used up all nine of your lives in the fraternity fire cat – so don’t even think about it” (Post 2/8/14). I felt flattered that I was being fought over even if it was just by a rooster that wanted to tear the flesh from my face.

That’s when it happened… the noise of groaning bricks over my head brought me back from the imaginary world where animals talk and act as despicable as humans. 

Epiphany! 

I understood!  I got it!  I figured out the diabolical genius of the Wolf Pack.  The plastic tarp - the sprinkler - the water -  the bricks - everything! I didn't now how things could be worst than being buried in a hole in the backyard, NOW I KNEW!  

This was brilliant! Those stupid hippies weren't so dumb after all. Puke Breath and his slide-rule had come up with a way for a time release murder.   

While they were away at Tuna Canyon in Malibu the tarp would fill up with water and eventually pull in the concrete-construction blocks...crushing my skull and caving in the igloo. 

They had the perfect alibi. I would be dead, then eaten by the rooster while the commies would be on a happy play-date in Malibu. 

The yellow tarp begun to bulge under the weight of the water it had been collecting, and had begun pulling the large blocks closer and closer to the inside rim of the encasement so that they would fall in on me...  

"Oh Lord I love you. I'm sorry for my sins.. there is no place like home... and these words feel like Captain Crunch tearing up the top of my mouth...in the land of the free and the home of the brave...Amen"

"Help!  Help! Save me Mrs. Blaser! Save me Edna! Kippy...Tommy... Mrs. Lennon...Anybody!" 

Anyone... but the person who just walked out the back door. Just when I didn't think it could get any worst. IT DID .. IT DID GET WORST.   Now I prayed for a quick and sure death!  

There Was No Way Out!

Star date: Saturday September 10th 1966 The third longest day in the history of the world next to the day I was left behind at Salton Sea (blog Post) and the day the sun stood still in Joshua's time (recorded for us in the Bible).

8:00-10:00 am So far this morning "Chapped-lipped-Jimmy" and Tommy came over to help me on the finishing touches on one of the 7 wonders of the Fort-Building World ! (Blog pos 7-29)


10:00 am-12:00 noon The older boys woke up and began working on a way to make the "fire escape" pole even more diabolical, by hooking it up to the dangling electrical wires that dangerously hung out of the kitchen wall, which we used to electrocute unsuspecting guest, girl friends and even a Saint Marks Catholic school nun. 

Zit King or oldest my brother, "his highness King Gustav," came pulling up in his 9 billion horsepower legendary Ford "Rat Killer" that woke up the neighborhood for at least a quarter of a mile around...including Gherhing the Great, who made his way over to my house.

My house was the center of the universe (at least that is the way it seemed to an 11 year old.   

Chewbacca, my second oldest brother, while standing in the azalea bush, had the runaway rattlesnake climb up his pant leg and precariously snuggle up with his boy parts. He threw Puke Breathe, 3rd or 4th oldest brother (depending who you count) onto the top of the fort, trapping "booger-slurping Jimmy" inside.

Gustav threw the switch, electrocuting both Chewbacca and the rattlesnake in order to save Chewbacca's life. It worked!The boys were able to pull the pants off of the dazed Chewbacca and removed the stunned rattlesnake.

12:00 noon - 1:00 While putting the rattlesnake back, the hideous and dangerous Iguana from hell (AKA Del Diablo) got away. It was Chewy's fault. He freaked out when he got pissed on by a "harmless"garter snake, which subsequently sunk its sharp fangs into my arm, which slapped Chewy in the face when I swung around in alarm which caused Chewy to cry out "Ave Marie" in his native tongue who then tripped over a stick which opened the latch!

the dreaded Iguana "Del Diablo" assaulted Chewy then fled down three flights of stairs, across the street and into poor Mrs. Tripp's house and became an uninvited roommate in the wall heater(blog post 8/1/2013) 

 1:00 - 2:00 pm When the Wolf Pack (that's my brothers) all came back across the street, little Johnny Gillamonster (pictured below), stole his mother's Nova and broke the drive-shaft trying to show off to the hordes on Harding Avenue. 

The Wolf Pack viewed that unfortunate event as fortuitous bounce of luck as they bankrolled it, into a serendipitous distraction to stage an accident involving my best-est 5th grade buddy - Gherhing the Great.  When the good-hearted Helms Bakery delivery man came to check on my friend who was under the front bumper of the disabled automobile (with an entire bottle of ketchup spread all over his chest and around his head -  the Wolf Pack raided the delivery truck of its ever elusive delectable cream-filled eclairs (Blog post 8/3/2013)

With traces of cream still hanging from his lips and hair covered in ketchup, Gherhing and I discovered the stinky poop that Jimmy left in the "bathroom" corner of the fort.

As we filled in the four foot pit with dirt, the boys decided to terrorized my mom's guest - Jerry "TT" (blog post).  It was psychological warfare. They ran up the front porch stairs, in through the wide-open front door, past the living room interrupting mom and her guest! The long hair hippy-want-a-be's made sure to wave as they scurried past the living room, then proceeded past the fouled mouthed fowl - the Mynah Bird - that was taught to cuss, up three more flights of stairs - to the third floor where they picked up speed- running the length of the long back room as if it were a airport runway for a takeoff. The boys then leaped out of the third story window some thirty-forty feet from sure death below like suicidal flying squirrels.

Over and over they did this making sure that Jerry "TT" and mom saw their faces...in each interruption as they passed by the living room. 

And that's where we left off.

2:00 - 2:30pm 
Tired of the entire interruption-affair, upset and frustrated mom came to the end of her rope. This is where she invoked THE CLAUSE!  The Clause rarely ever failed!  The only reason it didn't work at the Zoo when we let all the monkeys out, was because Ulrich said, he couldn't hear her over the adulations of the adoring crowd that he had been entertaining while precariously perched on the edge of monkey habitat (blog post 4/29/2013).

What Jerry couldn't figure out, was how on earth he kept seeing some of the same faces as they ran in through the front door and up the stairs.


IT WAS IMPOSSIBLE: How could a hairy tribe member, run in through the front door, head up stairs and come back in again through the front door? To Jerry this was like something out of the TWILIGHT ZONE. The scheme had the effect the boys desired; not only did it confuse him, but also incited him to anger. "YES!" They got got into his mushy head.  They owned him and they knew it.



Mom stood to her feet and screamed. "UNDER-PAIN-OF-MORTAL-SIN...You will stop that this instance! Do you hear me?" The only problem was that, several of the kids were not Catholic and did not share the same fear of purgatory like the rest of us...AND Gherhing the Great and I had been outside putting dirt in the hole, which was once a fort that rivaled the Sphinx in Egypt.

With blatant disregard to "The Clause" Dooh-Dooh Pants came back through for about the fourth time when Jerry took this act of disobedience as permission to chase down a few of the boys (he might of have some ulterior motive as well - yuck!). In both anger and secret delight, Jerry launched himself after Dooh-Dooh Pants and chased him up the stairs. Dooh-Dooh Pants made sure not to out run Jerry, but wanted to make Jerry believe he had a chance at catching him. Up, up, up, up they ran. See Jerry run. Run Dooh-Dooh Pants run!

When they reached the top floor Jerry knew, he had his prey in sight. Dooh-Dooh Pants was trapped in the long back bedroom - the very same room that held all the snake cages (last post). THERE WAS NO WAY OUT. Jerry had him right where he wanted him as a sinister smile of evil delight broke across his face - like the Grinch when he looked down on poor Whoville after stealing all the Christmas presents. 

 Dooh-Dooh Pants contorted his face in contrived fear allowing Jerry "The Toucher" to come within a foot of two.  As Jerry "TT" approached with that icky look on his face... Dooh-Dooh Pants face lite up with a diabolical grin of its own and took off running.  With no where to go, Jerry knew he had Dooh-Dooh Pants trapped.

Dooh-Dooh Pants "cut the cheese" and to the utter dismay and unbelief of Jerry "TT" threw himself out the window.  Jerry correctly reasoned that Dooh-Dooh Pants would rather commit suicide than to be caught alone with him.Leaving Jerry in a cloud of fish-stick and spoiled spaghetti stench Dooh-Dooh Pants flung himself out of that third story window jumping for the pole that perilously dangled from the tippy-top corbel of the old turn-of-the-century house.

Out Dooh-Dooh Pants flew and down he slid, falling the last six feet or so onto the azalea bush below. Up he looked and grinned in satisfaction to the glaring dissatisfied stare of Jerry "TT".

Enraged and empowered by the clause..Jerry "TT was now raging to catch a teenage boy.

Jerry came back down the stairs and stood in the front entry, just waiting for his next victim to come through the front door... the Mynah Bird had some choice words it parroted to Jerry. Jerry was standing there with hands clenched ready to ring the neck of a morally innocent bird when Gherhing the Great and I came in through THE BACK DOOR wanting to get into the fun.

This is where everything went terribly wrong! Gherhing the Great did manage to escape and slide down the pole, but the on the way up the stairs, I decided to zig when I should have zagged! Gherhing was moving too slow and I made a ill fated dash for the front room of the second floor that was filled with junk...

Bad choice, Markie d. Bad Choice!


Meanwhile the Lennon's on the corner... the famous Lennon Sisters and siblings were all securely tucked  away from the mayhem inside the safety of their house.

Next time, see if Markie D escapes the clutches of Jerry "TT" and Chewy's fateful fall!

Until then Know: Du är älskad!

Electrocuting a NUN - NOT GOOD!

I

Before I tell you what gave Sister Godzilla the twitch in her left eye, I thought you might like to see the shirt I was wearing in this picture. To verify my earlier claims - it was a hand-me-down, it was SEE-THROUGH and it did only have two buttons (oh, I'm the one in the far right - if you couldn't tell).

Cute crew right?  Well, looks could be deceiving. Take a look at the sinister glean in the eye of the third boy from the left (to protect his identity I'll just call him Gustav). Right as that picture was snapped a diabolical plan was hatched. Only... it would be tested out on me and my little sister first (who is second from the left - front).

 "Oh yeah... let's experiment with electricity! Let's play with electricity in the most dangerous setting possible in the history of the world."  (something like that probably went through my older brother's head when he threw the switch that summer for the first time).

ONLY Karin and me and my two poor innocent neighbors happened to be in the water (did I just say water?), we were in the water in the pool (did I mention the pool that had metal sides?) We were in the dough-boy pool in the water that  now had electricity coursing through the metal sides.

There is a picture of the pool in its Glory Days (when we still used chlorine - you know before we started breeding mosquitoes in it and before the older boys added the alligator).

Anyway, they threw the switch and as soon as we touched the sides - all four of us got the shock of our lives and somehow lived to tell about it. 

Now that they knew they could electrocute people without actual killing them, they decided to try it on a NUN.

When Gustav threw the switch that sent 110 volts of electricity through her entire body it blew that black and white helmet/thingy straight off her head like a rocket ship that made her hair stand up like Frankenstein’s bride.

Hair, you ask?

Yeah. Nuns have hair.

The second she grabbed the side of our pool to look at the mosquitoes we were breeding, he threw the switch and…

Kabam

 

…that’s when it happened!  The habit, the hair, the shrieking. the ambulance and THE TWITCH.

Let's just say this, my year in Sister Godzilla's class didn't go well for either of us. 

If you've ever been the victim of an awful sibling prank, tell me about it! COMMENT

I guess the next thing I'll have to do, is tell you about the ZOO!