The hilarious, picture-driven, true memoir of the youngest boy of the 60's "most dysfunctional family." Markie d's quest for survival and identity helps us discover and deal with the dysfunction in all of us. Funny, politically incorrect and thought provoking.
In the words of an ancient sage, "Laughter is good medicine."
You would think that with being left behind at Salton Sea and nearly erased (blog post), shot with arrows, electrocuted, knocked-out three times a week by being squeezed on the temples (blog post), living in a house run by the inmates of the asylum- i.e the WOLF PACK (that's my Viking older brothers); betrayed and shoved into the hamper of death(blog Post), chased by Jerry and having to throw-up everyday (as a sole means of self-protection) that the poor little guy, Markie D, would end up psychotic, if he somehow managed to survive at all.
The Dahlin's made the Addams Family appear normal!
As you can see- they had nothing on us!
Add to that - the trauma of being singled out by the Nuns at the Catholic school, who took a special interest in paying back the last-born-male of this dysfunctional tribe for all the torment that his brothers had inflicted over the past ten years.
It doesn't take rocket science or a advanced degree in psychology to understand that it was no wonder that by the end of the first week of fifth grade - he had trust and focus issues, learning disabilities among other things. He had developed a slight stutter and other speech problems, he was afraid of the dark, gross smells and deathly afraid of suffocation.
Other than all this, the poor little was doing okay - having fun as long as he stayed on the run.
Bob Dylan was so intrigued by his story, that he wrote a bootleg song that was on the secret track of Another Self Portrait album - simply titled: Markie D.
"As it is written in the Book of Jashar. The sun stopped in the middle of the sky and delayed going down about a full day. There has never been a day like it before or since..."
Star Date: September 10th, 1966. The Bible records a day the sun stood still... and this Saturday had the makings of such a day.
Captain's Log: This very, very, very long day includes:
AM 8:00-10:00 Welcome to Hotel Crazy (Last blog post)
Honking Jimmy and the incredibly chapped lips
10:00-12:00 Electrified Rattlesnake Mayhem
Discovering the rattlesnake while electrifying the "fire escape"
PM 12:00-1:00 Day of the Iguana
Catch one and lose another - the poor Trips!
1:00 - 2:00 The Dreadful Discovery: What Jimmy left behind
Jimmy literally thought we meant bathroom.
2:00-2:30 Fire Pole Terrorism: The Not-So-Great Escape
Chased by Jerry "TT" (See last blog post) Not Good!
3:00- 4:00 Chewy's Free Fall.
The switch gets turned on, mom rushes Chewy to the Hospital
4:00-5:00 The Great Escape.
"The Rat Killer" verses the Venice Police Department...
...and the stupid hitchhikers!
Time out for french fries. We had to eat sometime (and gather resources).
6:30-7:30 The Prank on Edna's Porch
The whole stinking shooten-match
8:30-9:30 Burning Down the Lennon Sister's House
What happens when a homemade Chinese lantern goes very wrong!
10:00 AM. The peaceful jungle on the third floor was suddenly alive when dad beat the ceiling and walls with a broom handle to wake up the Wolf Pack. The hot Oatmeal he had made was now nothing more than a lump of cold gruel.
Jimmy was still hanging out in the fort probably slurping the boogers and Vaseline that lathered together on his upper lip. Tommy had run home in fear and Gherhing the Great came by when he heard Gustav's "Rat Killer." The excitement was just beginning. Gustav didn't dare "hot-rod" down Harding, because of what Mr. Lennon did to Leland's car with a well placed golf-ball using his 5 iron, but that didn't keep Gustav from waking up Venice with the roar of the billion horsepower he had under the hood of his rather nondescript outside packaging of that old 56 Ford (deception at its finest).
I told Gherhing the Great (my 5th grade buddy from Saint Marks) that it wasn't safe inside - at least not for me, because of Milk Wars (blog post 7 13 2013). So I kept Gherhing the Great at bay until the Wolf Pack finished their food fight and emerged from the back door to begin their diabolical plan of electrifying the "fire escape" pole they installed years earlier that dangled precariously from a tippy-top corbel at the peak of the roof.
Here is a picture from years earlier!
and years before that...
...and years before that!
It appears that we liked to climb and fight and hang on to things that would cause irreparable damage if we fell - hence all the broken bones and the need for a hospital bed in the dining room (last blog post). Putting ourselves at risk seemed to be in our DNA.
Making the flying leap out the back window of our three story house had ceased to thrill them and they felt compelled to come up with some brilliant plan in order to satisfy their sweet tooth for peril. With Gustav there you can bet it would included something to do with electricity... since they had already found out a way to electrify me, John Masson and one of the nuns from Saint Marks Catholic grammar school.
With king Gustav's help they employed the bare electrical wires that hung out of the kitchen wall (blog post 7 11, 2013 "Shocking") with bunch of jumper cables he had wired through a crude switch.
The pole, however, missed the ground by about six feet, which still made the final leap to the ground pretty hairy for someone my size. Below the pole was an old Azalea bush that helped cushion the landing... while Puke Breath was standing on Chewbacca's shoulder attaching the jumper cables... that is when we made the most terrifying discovery...or should I say, that is when the missing rattle snake discovered us. Well, not really us - but Chewbacca. Turns out that this just happened to be the hiding spot of choice for the fugitive rattlesnake. Since Chewbacca's feet were glued to the ground with Puke Breath standing on his shoulders, the snake decided to seek refuge up Chewbacca's pant leg.
Chewbacca stiffened and screamed as the snaked slithered northward towards his boy parts. He vaulted Puke Breath off his shoulders who landed 8 feet away on top of my new fort crashing the roof in on top of Jimmy who was still inside. Jimmy Honked letting the boys know he was trapped underneath.
Honk!
No one had any idea what was going on with Chewbacca as he froze like a concrete pillar and pointed to his pants. The Wolf Pack grew frustrated as they decided to tackle him and take him down. Chewbacca turned slowly and the Band of Brothers could see the snake slithering up towards his crotch.
Chewbacca was dead. There was just no way to rescue the doomed 18 year old. The flustered tribe couldn't come up with any way to coax a deadly and agitated rattlesnake out of someone britches? In a snide comment Dooh-Dooh Pants sarcastically said, "Why don't we electrocute him."
"That's it" Gustav said.
"What's it?" Dooh-Dooh Pants said.
"What you said!" Gustav said.
"What did I say?" Dooh-Dooh Pants asked.
"We'll electrocute them!" Gustave said, snapping fingers and beginning to bark out orders.
"Them?" Chewbacca asked fearfully discering the plural in the word "them." At this moment he felt he would rather take his chances with the deadly viper that had begun taking up residence in his crotch. "No" he begged, trying not to move his lips or any part of his body, but it was too late.
Dooh-Dooh Pants was already in place with jumper cables ready to forcefully make contact to Chewbacca's exposed forearms at Gustav's command. "Now!" shouted Gustav as Dooh Dooh Pants touched the metal ends to Chewbacca like paddles of a electronic defibrillator.
Chewbacca screamed as all that long blonde hair shot straight up, he stiffened and keeled over as if dead.
The boys rushed in and descended on him like a pack of wolves on a downed bear. They unzipped his pants and pulled them down to his ankles in a split second. As Chewbacca laid unconsciousness (like I usually did after one of his infamous "Templates" - blog post 6 24, 2014 "Template of Doom") Dooh-Dooh Pants, our official snake wrangler, had the stunned rattler around the neck so it couldn't strike with its deadly teeth and carefully began to transport it back upstairs to the cages up on the third floor.
Meanwhile, Chewbacca came to (that was good news), but staggered to his feet in nothing but his tightly-whities...tripping over the pants that had been pulled down around his ankles. At least mom didn't have to make a trip to the emergency room.
Mind you, I did take great literary license in this story, as I conflate the big picture of several stories and put them together. I think, however, you're beginning to get an idea of what life was like at my house i.e. "Hotel Crazy" (I also changed the names to protect the innocent - or should I say guilty).
You would think that with being left behind at Salton Sea and nearly erased (blog post), shot with arrows, electrocuted, knocked-out three times a week by being squeezed on the temples (blog post), living in a house run by the inmates of the asylum- i.e the WOLF PACK (that's my Viking older brothers); betrayed and shoved into the hamper of death(blog Post), chased by Jerry and having to throw-up everyday (as a sole means of self-protection) that the poor little guy, Markie D, would end up psychotic, if he somehow managed to survive at all.
