My Apologies...and Arrested Developement!

Everyone I apologize...for leaving you on the cliff hanger.




I've been running crazy and am working on making another Video for this blog, which I am shooting in the morning. I will be telling the "LA Zoo" story in front of a live audience. This is the story where my family managed to let all the monkeys out.    Blog Post 4/29/13  








Oh, and I guess it is better to be telling the zoo story in front of a live audience instead of a dead one! Right?

As soon as I come back tomorrow, I will continue the story of the tragic and horrible accident that happened at the McIlliot's pool.





It involves an older brother, my younger sister and the baby Lennon girl  - Annie. She is pictured to the right circled in red. Of course she's not that young...she's my baby sister's age, who is 9 at the time of terrible tragedy that took place at the McIlliot's pool.  Trust me - the tragedy is not the horrible trick that my coarse older brother pulled to make me vomit... NO! It was simple tom-foolery that involved slippery, wet bodies and a large glass wall just adjacent to the pool.

By this time in 1968 a couple of the Lennon boys had begun to migrate off the Lennon family compound and had dared venture into the Dahlin backyard...with the snakes, the alligator, the snapping turtles, the chicken-eating giant bull frog, and the dreaded Veloci-Raptor - attack rooster. 

Those Mexican tomato plants must have some powerful magic to get the hippies to fend off the rooster for their horticulture project.

I don't know why it was... but Annie began to come home with Kjersten for lunch - TO OUR HOUSE!
It just didn't make any sense! After all those years of parents being Hüber-protective...now either they didn't know about this or Annie just threw all caution to the wind and passed by her own house (that I'm sure had real food) and joined me and Kjersten at our house for lunch where we would have to scrape the moldy penicillin off our Pioneer sour-dough bread.   I thought I would throw in "Hey Jude" for the sound of 1968.

 Hey Jude by The Beatles

  
Annie and Kjersten were friends and tomorrow she would join me, Tommy, Urich and Ralph for the fateful day at McIlliot's pool.

Mark Twain said, "Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."  

and let me tell ya... between us and the Lennons we had a lot of kids on Harding Ave and at our house a lot of "arrested development".


 

God Bless You - More tomorrow!



 

markie d: A Global Phenomenon! Our Dam Picture

Okay, I think what I'm going to have to do here, is go back on my plan to tell you about the scariest Halloween ever recorded in the History of the World. If I play my cards right...I think, I just might be able to post some VIDEO along with it, as a Super Duper Bonus... I'M WORKING ON IT NOW!

And, if I can delay that for just a bit and kick it down the road a couple weeks, then I can roll that story out for you closer to Halloween. 

So what story to tell... Hum?

Ah, I think I got one.  But, before I get into the crazy details of this next unbelievable true story - I must pause for a moment of reflection. I was approached last week by an Author who said... that all families have stories: one or two really great ones.. you know the type that are off the hook, unbelievable incidents that would either shock people - scare people or have others rolling on the floor laughing" He said, "but your family has story, after story, after story... that are truly amazing and totally unbelievable. There is nothing like this!"   

He said, "People need to hear these stories, because they are just too preposterous, far-fetched and incredible for any one family. One or two maybe...but nothing like this!"

And these stories are all true:  
                                  We did let the monkeys out of the Zoo.

                                  We did electrocute ourselves and unsuspecting neighbors.

                                   My brothers did electrify the sides of our dough-boy pool.

                                            They really did shock me and little sister in the pool.

                                            They REALLY did shock a Catholic Nun!

                                   They really did knock over the entire fence at Saint Mark's Grammar School

                                   We really did have all those rattlesnakes and reptiles and those...

                                              ...rattlesnakes really did escape...terrorizing the neighborhood.

                                   They really did trap me in a hamper and throw me under the neighbor's car.

                                   I was really left behind at Salton Sea that turned into a high-speed Highway

                                              Patrol chase... that really did end up in the local newspaper.

                                   My dad really did make me use Sugar-Water instead of gel on my hair.

                                   Our iguana really did escape and ran across the street into the Tripps house.

                                   We really did have an attack rooster for a watch dog. 

                                   We really did have an alligator.

                                   We really did live across the street from the Famous Lennon Sisters

The hair... the tomato plants...the mosquitoes... the leprosy...Sister Godzilla... the forts... the fire pole...the templates...the arrows...the albinos...street cleaning...the Helms Heist...Milk Wars...our UFO's...our broken bones and the hospital bed...IRENE and the impossible - implausible - fantastic fact that we were "pranked" by the PRESIDENT of the UNITED STATES - pshaw "Snapping Turtles!" 

 ALL of it is TRUE...and I'm just getting started!

And so, I thank you, for letting me share my story. 

For the 10,000 (plus and counting), from 43 different countries around the World - who have clicked on and joined me in my childhood adventures.

Thank you for making Markie D a global phenomenon.  

Sit down, buckle up, and hold on as we "Put the pedal to the metal" and head way back (this time to about 1962) to a family vacation that we took to the Kings River which turned into another Dahlin nightmare. 

This was not too long after the "Infamous Fence Incident" at Saint Marks School. That was the time, that my Viking tribe of brothers (affectionately known as the Wolf Pack) were either climbing in or climbing out of the school-yard. 

 

You see, my older brothers liked to climb...  it was a genetic thing... that began at birth.

 

 

Gustav said that one of the boys took it upon himself to climb right out of my mother's body three weeks before his due date! KaBoom, he popped right out on mom's birthday. "Surprise!" 

I was also told that the "Fence Incident" was allegedly after breaking into the church vestry and drinking the communion wine. On their escape, while climbing over that chain-link fence, it groaned under the weight of the entire Dahlin Wolf Pack, eventually collapsing on the brood, which took the entire Venice Fire Department and rescue team to unravel the boys from it tangled clutches. 

Puke-Breath (nick-named by my older brothers for wearing a retainer and always have bad breath), ended up having his leg broken in 8 different places!

                                     That is not a joke - neither was his breath. YUCK! 

Puke-Breath had to wear an full-leg cast and spend almost an entire year in bed. When he was finally given permission by the doctor to use crutches and hobble away from that rusty old hospital bed in our dining room, my dad planned the big celebratory trip to the Kings!

We packed up everything into our 1959 Volkswagen Van, tied down the over-sized paddle board on top, crammed every inch of that van with half-clad, platinum towheads and away we headed to the Pine Flats Dam, without even thinking that one of us might not make it back.  

 Here is our "Dam Picture!"

Flaxing Waxing Shining Gleaming HAIR!

Stick around - because below is a treat....

The hardest part for me at this point is not coming up with a story to tell about my incredibly bizarre  childhood and crazy family. Trust me it is not for lack of stories. No! The problem is deciding on what story to tell next.

So far you know that we were a little bit different...okay - so that was a lie! We were very different!

We were the only family on the planet to let all the monkeys out of the Zoo. While normal people went to the Holiday Inn where kids stayed for free - we, however, spewed out on the dirt on the shores of the sulfur smelling Salton Sea and covered ourselves in a salty-volcanic mud concoction where everyone stays for free...all 17 of us. And because of our practice of illegally smuggling bodies in a trailer, I was almost a causality of the "childhood abandonment campaign" if not for the high-speed, Highway Patrol chase that forced my family come back for me.

Trust me, between "The Hamper" "The Poop in the Fort" "The Electrocution in the Pool" "The Veloci-Rooster" "Miss Simpson and the Alligators" "Kurt and the Rapids of Death" Chewbacca and the Templates" "President Johnson and Snapping Turtles" all the broken bones and near death accidents, I have plenty of stories to keep you in stitches and to give you some things to think about.

The British Invasion was in full swing... as the Beatles arrived on our shores from across the pond... so for now I want to offer a fun tribute to hair as we went from creepy little kids with blonde hair to creepy hippies with lots and lots of blonde hair.

Stick around for the next installment, I think I'll have to share the unbelievable story of "The Hamper of DEATH" with you! It's bound to be one wild and unbelievable ride .

Until next time, jag alskar du

THE ZOO: The conclusion! Plus 1000 thanks

I began posting my childhood stories just over a week ago and I would like to thank all of you for visiting and traveling back with me to the 60's. Today I hope to finish the Zoo Odyssey, but wanted to give a shout out to all of those who have made up the 1,048 visits to this blog site.  Thank you to those in Germany, South Korea, Thailand, Russia, France, the UK and those of you right here in the U S of A.

1048 THANKS

I'm sorry for leaving you hanging ... as you can see at least one of us had lots of training that would come in handy for the next part of this story. Who knew that  the ability to hold-on would be essential to their survival. 

We left off last time with Flea-Bait being suspiciously pushed off the ledge of the monkey habitat. In the words of Paul Harvey, "And now, the rest of the story."

 Desperate, Mom had just mixed all our names up (as she usually did) while invoking “The Clause.” (I'll stick with the alias' here).

“GustavBjornKnutLeifUlrikeorwhoever you are, (I was usually the "WhoEverYouAre" I thought that was my name until second grade when I got into trouble for putting it on top of my school papers.) 

With the Papal authority that went all the way back to Saint Peter, mom shouted, "Get down this instant - UNDER-PAIN-OF-MORTAL-SIN”

WELLLLLLLLLL.... Knut pushed and Flea-Bait fell into the anticipating clutches of the agitated monkeys below. (REMEMBER, THIS IS A TRUE STORY)

Flea-bait was a prize... something to be sniffed and prodded and examined and licked and tasted and adopted and fought over and owned. 

With a hundred monkeys climbing all over Flea-Bait and picking his head for lice...Knut knew that they had no intention of giving Flea-Bait back. My mother took the two girls and hid in the bushes about 50 feet away. 

Knut knew that if Flea-Bait died, then he was the one guilty of Murder and was now subject to Mortal Sin and would have to spend an additional billion years in Purgatory. ONLY. Only Knut couldn't reach far enough down into the Pit of Despair to rescue poor Flea-Bait and had to be lowered by his ankles by Mad Dog and Gustav. 

Every time Flea-Bait opened his mouth to scream for help monkey fingers went in. ONLY. Only when Flea-Bait discovered that one of fingers  wasn't really a finger, but a toe - he began to freak out.  He figured what ever foot this toe was attached to - had probably just been walking around in monkey dung and urine.

In shear terror that he would have to live with monkey pee-soaked-toes in his mouth for the rest of his life, Flea-Bait looked up with hope to the outstretched arms that were extended to him (holding back his own vomit).

With the aid of several other Dahlin Boys (and friends who had voluntarily squished themselves into the old Dodge station wagon for the Field Trip to the Zoo) Knut had been lowered far enough by his ankles to grab the outstretched arms of Flea-Bait. 

ONLY. Only there were a million monkeys crawling all over Flea-Bait! From up above, he looked like a piece of forgotten candy that had been covered in ants (Only monkeys. Only monkeys that didn't want to give him back). 

We had a problem!   There were too many of the little buggers.

So along with Gustav and Mad Dog, Liver lips, Chewy, Pinky, Dooh-Dooh Pants, and me... we all grabbed on and joined the tug-of war.

It was the monkeys on one end and the Viking Wolf Pack on the other end, with Knut and Flea-Bait stretched out like a piece of rope in the middle. (Told you that those hanging-on-skills would come in handy right?) We could hang with the best of monkeys.

 

We had all gone through monkey training  school and had bow staff mad skills 

We could not... would not lose! 

“Heave ho!” We all shouted in unison, giving one humungous jerk. “Si Se Puedes!” Chewy screamed. Four Eyes was with us but was completely useless - as usual. He sat down with his slide rule and tried to make some kind of formula as to how many Dahlins it would take to pull up Flea-Bait factoring in weight, total muscle mass and gravitational pull. 

 

By this time, sirens were blaring and blue lights flashing as Zoo security in faded green, electric carts rounded the sharp corner by the Gorilla statue.  Holding tranquilizer dart-guns as if they were going to war, this was their big chance to use guns that a zoo security guard rarely, if ever, got to use.

Later when my dad heard the story, he laughed, rolled his eyes, and then said something like, “Too bad they weren’t using real bullets.” 

Anyway, complete mayhem broke out in the zoo, and my mom stayed hidden in the bushes offering up prayers to Saint Francis.  

The 6,000 monkeys were just too heavy for us to lift poor Flea-Bait out of the monkey pit. 

This is when "IT" happened. 

(I thought for the sake of time I'd leave you hanging here - but it didn't think I could do it to you again). 

The very last monkey, anchoring the tug-of war, let go and climbed over the monkey in front of him and the monkey in front of that monkey, and the monkey in front of that one - and on and on until he reached Flea-Bait. He stood up on his feet and screamed something in monkey as he beat his chest (I'm not really fluent at translating monkey, but if I had to guess this brilliant little fella shouted "FREEDOM") then he took off over Knut, over Gustav, over Mad Dog, over Liver Lips, over Chewy, Pinky, Dooh-Dooh Pants and over me into the Zoo. 

The next to last monkey did the same thing: Over one monkey, then the next and the next until he reached Knut where he paused and took a whiff of  Knut's breath and acted as if he had almost fallen in love...(Knut wore a retainer and had really bad breath... the Monkey loved it) he stood up, beat his chest and shouted "FREEDOM" as he climbed over all the Dahlin boys and into the zoo. 

Monkey by monkey they all did the same thing... We. Us. The Dahlins!  WE HAD MANAGED TO LET EVERY SINGLE ONE of the MONKEYS OUT OF THE CAGE! 

Monkeys running riot, babies crying, angry men with tranquilizer guns, sirens blaring, food dropping, people screaming, Mrs D praying, girls hiding and Dahlins fleeing. 

Did anything like this every happen to your family? I want to know. Tell me about it! 

THE ZOO Part 2: "THE VIKINGS"

Building from yesterday's episode where we escaped from Venice... I want to quickly draw your attention to a popular cigarette commercial at this time in the 60's. If you're old enough, you might remember it. If you're too young, then you might not know that there was a time that they allowed cigarette commercials on TV trying to convince dummys that smoking was actually cool.  It was a Salem ad (Kids DON'T SMOKE) I still remember it, the popular jingle went like this... "You can take Salem out of the country, but you can't take the country out of Salem."   

Is anyone already getting the connection? (Raise your hand if you think you might know where I'm going with this.)  Stick around and see if your correct then give yourself a pat on the back. SIMPLY: "You can take the Dahlins out of Venice but you can't take the Venice out of the Dahlins." Did you get it right? Anyway, let me say it differently... The Dahlin brood pulled out of Venice, but it didn't mean that we were escaping their inner Viking. NO WAY 

In the words of Bill Cosby, "We were off to the zoo." In the thought bubble of our dog Poochie, "It was bound to be a disaster."

When the overstuffed station-wagon (that's a type of car families drove in 60's) pulled into the parking lot everything (the smell, the noise, the violence, the name calling, the attitude - all of it) squeezed out of the car like Crest oozing out of a tube of toothpaste under pressure.         Watch out world HERE WE WERE!

 

When we got there the boys scattered in a million direction and began climbing over fences and squeezing under the turnstiles.  The Dahlins had arrived and the zoo would never be the same.

Gustav - the oldest, immediately went out on a hunt for girls. Hormones had set in and he didn't care a lick about the animals, He was a teenager on a mission.  When the older boys (along with our additions) scattered to the four winds my mother felt the zoo might have been safer that way. 

When Mom, the two girls and I finally made it to the monkey habitat. I was excited to see the cute little critters. 

But the winds began to change - like a warm Santa Ana wind, blowing in from the east. It was an OMINOUS SIGN that something bad was just ahead (like Dorthy in the Wizard of Oz). The Dahlins - all of them... all 92 of them (okay I'm stretching that a little - but that's what it seemed like) converged at the monkey habitat as if strange ill fate brought us all back together. "Mad Dog" (one of the older boy's nickname) made some snide remark about them being our relatives and "Flea-Bait" (another nickname) began jumping up and down on the ledge of the dry moat mimicking the monkeys.

This was his big chance. Bouncing up and down, he pretended to eat an invisible banana with one hand and scratched his side with the other. One by one, people began to gather to watch his dumb act.  As he   mimicked the monkeys, the monkeys mimicked him. This was his stage and the people loved him (of course I was jealous) but I knew I could do a better monkey (Sister Godzilla told me when she caught me climbing over the cloakroom wall to make fun of her behind her back). 

Flea-Bait did not want to let the vast crowds down that had assembled to watch his show. The more they clapped the bigger his performance grew, the wilder he got the bigger the applause. He had the frantic monkeys and the throngs of visitors eating out of the palm of his hand - "disgusting!"  He kept creeping closer and closer to the edge of the dry moat that separated zoo visitors from the monkeys below that were unable to make the 20 foot leap to freedom. 

Mom wanted him down and invoked the clause. "The-Under-Pain-Of-Mortal-Sin" clause. What that means to a good Catholic is - that if you don't immediately respond, then you are subject to a mortal sin and will likely spend another million years in Purgatory.  MOM SHOUTED, "Flea Bait, under pain of mortal sin get down right this instant." Only Flea Bait couldn't hear mom over the thunderous approval of his audience and the screeching of the agitated monkeys below in the pit. 

What you got to understand is - is that mom had invoked the clause in order to get the older boys into the car this morning in the first place. We took it serious, very serious! Knut (not the first born, but still an older brother that had a bit of first-born police-keeping in his compulsive personality), thought he would enforce "THE CLAUSE."   

Knut went over and gave O' Flea-Bait a slight shove to scare the Purgatory out of him just as Flea-Bait was spinning off balance on one leg. Yep, you guessed it... Knut sent Flea-Bait over the edge. 20 feet below the anxious monkeys had received him as if a prophecy had been fulfilled in their midst. 

(I'm sorry, but I'll have to come back to the gruesome and hilarious details of this event that went from bad to worse). 

May God keep you and bless you and may you never break "THE CLAUSE."