Hang in there Dooh-Dooh Pants!

(Continued from last time) "Hang in there Dooh-Dooh Pants!"

11-year-old Dooh-Dooh Pants was on a paddle-board (much to large for him), helplessly being carried down river to his impending doom at the waterfall of sure and torturous death that we called the, "Cow Blender."

Dad was running across the bridge with 50 feet of rope that he had tied into a slip-knot.

Chewbacca was screaming for dad to save the old LA county, Life-Guard paddle-board we "borrowed" from the beach. 

Mom was praying to Saint Anthony.

14 year old Gustav was running after dad followed by Ulrich, followed by Puke Breath who was hobbling on his crutches...
   ...followed by me, after I ran into the guard rail and had finally taken the shopping bag off my head...
   ...followed by all the rubber-neckers who rushed to get front row seats to see an 11-year-old
                    get pulverized to a bloody puree in the "Cow Blender Falls."

Mayhem...broke out with everybody running and screaming...as Dooh-Dooh Pants was swept underneath the low bridge as though his fate was sealed. The crowds had resigned themselves to Dooh-Dooh Pants' imminent assignation with such a gruesome fatality. 

With some guess work, dad lowered his large loop over the side of the bridge just as Dooh-Dooh Pants emerged from underneath the gloomy darkness that foreshadowed the doom downriver. 

Guess work...or Saint Anthony...or luck, I'm not sure; maybe all three - but that rope went right over Dooh-Dooh Pants' head... and slipped right down around his flailing arms. Nothing, could have been better!

He was saved! Everyone began to cheer except for two teenagers from Rio Linda who wanted to see his body torn from limb to limb.  They were standing on the rail and I felt like pushing them in. Only, I didn't have the bag over my head and I certainly didn't want to see what would happen, when they got sucked over the spillway that hungered for fresh flesh.

                                  "One cow, two teenage milkshake...coming right up." 

I knew I had to go to confession for that one.

As the slip-knot tightened, it tugged Dooh-Dooh Pants backwards which caused him to panic.  Forcing his body against the rope, he bent  forward and clutched the paddle-board. As the rope tightened it inched its way up his arms and popped off over his shoulders.

Dad, afraid of losing Dooh-Dooh Pants, gave one desperate tug on the rope which ended up constricting around Dooh-Dooh's neck like a noose. The crowds gasped...as they realized the gravity of the situation. The cure was now worst than the sickness. Either way Dooh-Dooh Pants was dead; killed by friendly fire... hung by the neck that was meant to keep him from ending up like that shredded dead cow.

However, dad wasn't about to let go. Gustav and Chewbacca and Ulrich and Kleghorn and me... we all began pulling the rope along with dad... but the board spun parallel to the bridge and began to roll sideways in the current as though Dooh-Dooh was like a chicken on a rotisserie.  Spinning and spinning and spinning.

As he spun around and around...above water, under water, above water, under water - over and over again the rope wrapped around his body, lashing him to the paddle-board like one of Snidely Whiplash's victim that had been tied to train tracks.

Rope around his neck...lashed to the paddle-board... and being systematically drowned... it did not look good for Dooh-Dooh Pants. Desperately gulping air in the momentary spurts as he spun above water it seems like he didn't have much longer to go until our failed rescue attempt - killed him for sure.

All of us were going to go to prision!

Mothers were shielding the eyes of young ones... Children were shrieking... Mom was praying with one eye open and one eye closed... the Rio-Linda teens were gushing with morbid delight... and the Dahlin tribe was pulling - as accessories to murder.

The board flipped one last time, trapping Dooh-Dooh underneath.
      

       Death!

Face down, Dooh-Dooh Pants' body acted as a rudder and at the last second just before he was about to go over the horrid falls the board shot sideways toward shore and lodged in a bush.

Dad ran, we followed. Dad flipped the board and Dooh-Dooh Pants was dead.  Dad loosened the rope around his neck and pumped water out of his lungs!  I cryed and stuck the bag over my head!

A minute later Dooh-Dooh Pants' eyes opened and the crowds cheered. It was a miracle and another Dahlin great adventure.  I borrowed Puke-Breaths crutches and have "no idea" how I ended up tripping the two sadistic teens into a puddle of mud...obviously it had to be an accident, since I had that silly bag over my head...hehehehe!